Talent Show

Blutarski

The government has talent…at least that’s what my email said.  My government agency is conducting a nationwide talent contest.  All employees are encouraged to showcase their skills which according to the email include “singing, dancing, magician or stand up comedy.”  The competition will be held in D.C. so I would have to send a tape.  Singing and dancing are immediately off the board.  I considered doing a magic act that would be like David Blaine gone wrong.  I’m not sure how long they would watch a tape of me throwing a deck of cards against a window or sliding glass door.  The comedy act is definitely the way to go.  Based on my first nine months on the job, I would start off with George Carlin’s list of seven words you can’t say on television, but you can say in a training class.  Then I would transition into Dice Clay’s Hickory Dickory Dock bit and finish with a few armpit farts.  You know how we do.

Jersey Gas has added a new facet to his game.  He now uses the term “GD” early and often.  Of course he says the whole phrase rather than just the initials.  If he worked at my last place of employment, he would have been exorcised around 10 am Tuesday morning. 

I created an awkward moment at our engineering meeting this afternoon.  Our boss wasn’t there to run the meeting, so we were all sitting around and running our mouths.  One guy was asking for some basketball tips for his son’s team.  I recommended that he watch the movie Hoosiers.  He could use the drills from that since they are very basic.  He’s also the assistant coach so I told him that he could show up to the practices drunk, similar to Dennis Hopper’s alcoholic character in the movie.  The joke received laughs from the people who remembered the movie.  As soon as the joke left my mouth however, I remembered that the guy sitting behind me had been on leave for nine months for alcohol rehab.  Luckily the rest of the room didn’t know it.  It was privileged information, therefore it was my privilege to feel awkward.  Building relationships…enhancing a career.

Turkey Time

It puts the stuffing in the turkey.

It’s Thanksgiving week which means that everyone is preparing for six weeks of overeating to end the year.  People with kids primed the pump a few weeks back by eating all of the undesirable Halloween candy in their respective child’s bag.  I’m not sure how Almond Joy and Mounds have remained on the market, but that’s not really important right now.  The bottom line is that the only thing standing between me and a tryptophan induced stupor is a three-day work week.  With no training sessions to attend, I will actually have to get some things done this week.  Meetings will be held…toes will be stepped on.

We finished the training last week with four hours of concrete and masonry.  Afterwards we had to take a post training test to see if we learned anything.  I scored an 80 on the final which meant that I learned more than necessary.  The highlight of the last day was our youngest trainee.  She was fresh out of college (six months to be exact), which meant that she was the most intelligent bookwise and an imbecile streetwise.  On Friday, she walked into the room with a dozen roses.  Apparently her boyfriend went with the standard issue for an anniversary gift.  The rest of the room (all men) began to reminisce about the last time they sent their wives flowers or made an effort.  Some could remember while others dozed off.  Seinfeld wasn’t in the room, but I’m sure he would have spit up if he was there.  They all let the little Longhorn know that she should enjoy the effort while it lasted.  She was not amused, which left her in the minority.

The low light of last week had to do with our painting mentor.  I mentioned last week how he went into a heated and emotional discussion about careers and work relationships before diving into the exciting world of paint and ceiling tiles.  At the end, everyone had to say what they learned from his four hour tirade, and there could be not duplicate answers.  One trainee referenced the mentoring discussion and said that he learned that relationships could enhance a career, and he was previously unaware of that possibility.  I absolutely hated that answer.  Even a two-year old knows how to get desired results by working with the people in a room, more specifically grandparents.  But still…getting what you want by working with others…that’s basic life skills.  I asked if I could change my answer from “I didn’t know that acoustical tiles were available in that many styles” to “I didn’t know that the guy in the back was the biggest dumbass this side of the Alamo.”  (Note how I threw in a Texas landmark to win the Southwestern crowd.  Building relationships … enhancing a career.)

Ten Observations

We are winding down in Nashville.  I have a half day left followed by the drive home.  My coworkers miss me so much that they want to talk about a project via conference call while I’m driving.  The project isn’t in the toilet yet, but it recently grabbed a newspaper and headed in that direction.  Can’t wait to get back.

Here are ten observations from my training class this week:

10. Two of the presenters wore bolo ties and cowboy hats.  I’m sure that works if you are presenting in San Antonio or El Paso.  In my eyes, it’s the equivalent of a clown suit.

9. The same two presenters had Fu Manchu mustaches.  That name doesn’t really fit because let’s be honest, how many Fu Manchus have you seen in person.  The mustache style should be called the Redneck or the Shitkicker.

8. Seinfeld was a step above Jersey Gas in that he belched audibly early and often but kept his mouth closed.  He would blow out the air afterwards.  Today he ate at PF Chang’s for lunch.  I know that because he blew processed Chinese air at my head all afternoon.  He was like a smoldering volcano of noodles and soy.  My hair actually moved once.

7. Structural engineers need to shake up their presentation skills.  Prior to presenting, they should consider doing a shot of Wild Turkey or putting on a bolo tie.

6. Learning how air conditioning works is cumbersome and unnecessary.  There are some things that should be left to specialists such as car engines, cotton candy machines and Sylvester Stallone’s face.

5. Every morning there is a new waitress at the breakfast buffet.  That’s probably the case because there is no chance that a 19-year-old girl is going to show up for work at 6 am for two consecutive days.

Pictured: cat's ass expert.

4. I covered this topic sometime last year, but it’s worth repeating after my exposure to Texas pride this week.  No one, and I mean no one is more proud of their state than a Texan, especially if said Texan is donning a Shitkicker.  I’ll admit that they do have catchy phrases such as this gem used on Thursday, “…and the contractor will do that faster than a cat can lick it’s backside.”  I’m sure if I asked, he would have confirmed that cats from Texas are the best at licking backsides.

3. The symbol for a surface weld is not appropriate for all audiences.

2. In Nashville, the ratio of people to emergency vehicles is approximately 3:1.

1. Nothing happens when you are at your desk.  Everything happens when you are out of town for a week.

Finishes

Ahh..the joys of travel.  Similar to past experiences at Hilton hotels, my keycard de-charges about once a day.  When I get to the 5th floor, the chances of it failing are directly proportional to how bad I have to use the bathroom.  When I went to the front desk to get it resolved today, they gave me a new key without checking my ID.  It’s nice knowing that anyone can get a key to my room just by asking for it at the front desk.

Three days of training are complete.  The trainers will need to serve more coffee if they expect us to stay awake much longer.  Imagine that you had to listen to someone talk about roofing for four hours.  How much coffee would you need?  Would you go off the board and ask for recreational drugs?  Seinfeld did.  He’s a character.

I'm not sure if even these guys could make structural steel an exciting topic.

I have endured hours and hours of structural steel, welding, paint, drywall and doors this week.  Each subject raises one question that cannot be answered.  How did I ever graduate from college?  These subjects are brutal.  The steel guy could not have been more dull.  I think he missed his calling which lies somewhere in the funeral industry.  He made the welding presenter seem like the most interesting man in the world, and that’s not an easy task.  It’s not like I expected a guy in a clown suit to present structural steel, but they need to raise the energy a little…maybe something above Bobcat Goldthwait but below Robin Williams.  

During the welding portion, we had to divide into groups, solve a welding problem and present it to the class.  I think I was the only person in the room who had a “Is this what my life has come to…welding problems” moment.  My group consisted of five people including Seinfeld.  When we solved the welding problem, we had to use the correct industry symbology.  You would have more luck interpreting drawings on the inside of a cave than trying to understand welding terminology.  We drew the symbol on the sheet, and Seinfeld quipped that it looked like a pair of breasts.  I acknowledged his comment and suggested that he should not be part of our presentation.  The group concurred.

The afternoon subjects included finishes such as paint, ceiling tiles and drywall.  You are probably jealous that I got to listen to four hours of that, but don’t be ashamed.  You are not alone.  Instead of beginning with a dreaded ice breaker, the presenter went on a thirty minute rant about careers, mentors and how great his life was.  I hated every minute of it and couldn’t wait to get started on interior finishes.  At that point I realized that he was a genius.  How could anyone get an audience excited to hear about interior finishes?  Use that approach for your future presentations:  Before serving a crappy entrée, start the meal by serving an even shittier appetizer.  (The spell check hated that sentence.)

Training Phases

You learn a lot about a city during the first night of your stay.  Here is what I learned last night.  The trash pickup is at 3 am and the truck performs the entire operation while beeping in reverse.  Also, every emergency vehicle in Nashville drives by my hotel prior to dispatching to the scene.  Either that or Nashville ambulances serve as taxi cabs.

Most of the people in my training class are in the Army Corps of Engineers.  They all have their own set of acronyms so once again I don’t know what anyone is talking about.  There is only one person that is from my government agency, and he is based in the same area as Jabber Jaw.  I’ll have to find out if he’s crossed paths with the Master of Words.

During a training course when the trainees do not know each other, there are five phases that each person will go through.  Some go through them faster than others.  Here they are in order of occurence:

1. Buy In – No one wants to participate when a training session begins.  Ice breakers such as introducing yourself and providing an interesting fact about yourself are borderline torture.  “Hi.  I’m the Ozone Guy.  I’m a civil engineer and one interesting fact is that I’m going to make fun of all of you online later this evening.”

2. Warm Up – As the coffee and bran muffins kick in, some will begin to acclimate to the environment.  During this phase, you will begin to hear the people that concur with everything.  They say yes or “hmm hmm” to every fact stated by the presenter.  The trainer’s questions to the audience still aren’t answered during this phase, but you can probably hear someone whisper the answer because they aren’t quite ready to vocalize.  One guy was stuck in this phase all day today.  If he doesn’t get out of it by 10 am Tuesday, he will receive encouragement from me via bran muffin projectile.

This is the last thing that you want to see during a training course.

3. Full Participation – Once people get comfortable, they feel free to answer questions and ask additional.  It usually turns into one guy asking specific questions about all of his project problems.  This phase could also be titled “Nuisance.”

4. Seinfeld - When people get really comfortable, they try to be a comedian.  The attempts at humor are poor at best, and 99%of the jokes bomb.  Unfortunately I am sitting directly in front of a Seinfeld.  For example, someone mentioned the high price to park at hotels.  The guy behind me said that with parking prices that high, a lap dance should be included.  When no one laughed, he repeated it louder.  Did he really think that the whole room was deaf?

5. Silence – At the end of the day or the end of the week, everyone returns to silence because they want to get the hell out of there.  The most frustrating part of this phase is when there is a Seinfeld in the room that is delaying the process with lap dance jokes.

Ca$hville

I am in Nashville this week for even more training.  I had to drive up Sunday since the class starts at 8 am, so I get a little comp time for my efforts.  Your tax dollars have never had it so good.  From what I can tell, the state sport of Tennessee is jaywalking.  There are people wondering aimlessly everywhere in Nashville.  Some are homeless, some are college students and some are both.

It's also called Smashville. Is there anything that it isn't called?

Nashville has many nicknames including but not limited to Music City USA, the Athens of the South (this is a reference to Athens, Greece and should not be confused with other Athens of the South), and Little Kurdistan (apparently there is a large Kurdish population here…I’m surprised that there aren’t more Little Kurdistan bumper stickers.)  Rapper Young Buck calls the city Cashville.  I haven’t listened to the lyrics of Young Buck’s album titled Straight Outta Ca$hville, but I would bet that there is a reference to the fact that hotels charge $18 per day to park.  The city should consider the nickname Little Highway Robbery.

I arrived at my hotel just in time to catch a meal before the kitchen closed.  There were three people at the bar.  I didn’t know if they were staying here or just came by for the parking deal.  One thing that I did know is that they were all hammered.  They weren’t stumbling drunk, but they had quite a slur working.  Throw that on top of a thick southern accent, and you have yourself a tough person to understand.  They made sure that everyone in the room was aware that they knew everything about football.  Unfortunately, I was the only other person in the room.  I left safely when they went on their third smoking break.  It’s going to be an interesting week.

Upside

"I'll wear a camo jacket in case we are in the woods, and I'll wear neon blue pants in case we are in South Florida. They'll never see me coming."

We all survived the paintball outing on Wednesday.  One guy had a pretty big welt and cut on his forehead, but he seemed to enjoy the outing anyway.  If I sorted the list of attendees from “Had a great time” to “I wouldn’t know happiness if it shot me in the face”, the list would start with one guy’s 10 year old kid, and it would end with Jersey Gas. 

We probably played five or six different games/scenarios.  I was lucky at the beginning with a few kills.  You are supposed to raise your hand and walk out after you have been shot.  I shot one guy, but he wouldn’t leave.  He finally conceded after I hit him five times.  I was on the brink of running over and finishing him off with the back of my gun, so he picked a good time to admit defeat.

There were different fields to play on, and we also went into the woods a few times.  I didn’t enjoy the woods scenario.  I couldn’t see anything, and everyone could see me.  Imagine a 235 lb guy trying to hide behind a 6″ caliper pine tree.  It doesn’t work.  I  was eventually hit in the leg.  When I raised my hand in humilation, someone on the other team literally squealed with joy.  Apparently I was shot by Chick Street.  My humiliation escalated to a new level.

On the last game, I ran out of ammo so I raised my hand to leave the course.  Right when I reached the exit, someone shot me in the earhole of my mask.  My ear rang and the splattered yellow paint on my sweatshirt made it look like I threw up on myself.  Since no one squealed, I didn’t know who shot me.  It was clearly time to go.  While walking out, the guy who sits next to me at work said that Jersey Gas physically knocked his girlfriend over during one of the scenarios.  She weighs about 90 pounds soaking wet.  Jersey Gas weighs 250 pounds on the moon.  It was clearly bad form on Jersey Gas’ part.  My friend told me that he got him back with two simultaneous head shots in the last game.  Revenge is a dish best served upside the head.

Sparta!

Three hundred steps away from the beginning, and three hundred steps toward who knows what.  This is Post #300.  Assuming that each one takes about an hour and a half to write, I have spent 450 hours complaining about work, lack of work, noisy neighbors, dog shit and jackasses.  Looking back, I can’t help feeling that I could have had a V8.  (No one probably finds that amusing, but for some reason I do.  Sober as a judge over here as well.)

I am mentally preparing for paintball with the co-workers tomorrow.  The booze hounds of Chick Street heard that it’s going to hurt, so they are wearing ski bibs during the event.  I couldn’t make that up if I tried.  It’s going to be 60 degrees outside, and they will be wearing ski pants.  When is the last time that someone passed out from heat exhaustion in November?  I don’t know when it was, but I can predict when it will happen next.

Thanks to heavy rains, the fields will be nice and muddy.  That way, I can lay in mud while I wait to strike down Jersey Gas et al.  Is there a better way to spend a Wednesday afternoon.  If there is, I don’t want to know about it.

Another co-worker approached me today and opened with “Hey, weren’t you in that training class next week.”  It seems that he was in it as well.  He immediately began to discuss F-bombs, and when they are appropriate.  We didn’t cover the other bomb specifically, but we had an understanding of what was on the table.  He said that he has never seen anything like it in the public sector.  I laughed because he was subtly insinuating that the Hindenburg’s presentation was acceptable in the private industry…as if each day on the private side was filled with profanity laced arguments, three martini lunches and rampant drug use.  One of the core values of my last employer was, “We promote a Christian work environment.”  If the Hindenburg made the same presentation at my last place of employment, he would have been escorted to the door and received a biblical sandal in his backside.  Afterward, there would have been an emotional and awkward prayer meeting.  I almost miss those days…almost.

Golf Tourney

On Monday evening I met with the Belligerent IT Department over two spicy bowls of chili.  We discussed the benefits of national holidays, the complexities of planning a golf tournament when you can’t count to twenty and the excitement of moving the Ozone to a new home.  What does that mean to you?  Not much. 

The Belligerent IT Department organizes a golf tournament every year.  Golfers are drafted onto teams, words are exchanged and golf balls are discharged into the woods.  This year I will be matched up against the OCF and a chick who used to play golf professionally.  If the OCF could live his life over again, he would love to be a chick who played golf professionally.  Instead, he is a woman trapped in a man’s body and plays golf pretty well.  In regard to golf skills and appearance, he’s a poor man’s Morgan Pressel.  Unfortunately you have to know the OCF to appreciate the past few sentences.  My condolences to those that don’t know him…and to those that do.

Paintball Welts - Coming soon to an engineer near you.

And now on to work.  Last week I trained for three days on seismic design and politically incorrect presentations (technically, they were politically wrong rather than incorrect).  Next week I will head to Nashville for five days of training on construction.  With all of that in mind, I turned down another training opportunity in early December.  The subject: CPR.  Who has time to save lives with all of these other training classes?  Plus (true story), our admin stopped by my desk to ask what’s the deal with CPR.  She said that you’re not supposed to put your mouth on another person’s due to diseases.  I asked her if we were supposed to slap the injured person around instead.  She just stared at me.  My people skills are diminishing quickly at my government job.  I either need to attend a training class to replenish the skills or simply throw a going away party to the few that I have left.    

 

Curmudgeon

It’s another three-day week for the Ozone.  No work on Wednesday since it is a national holiday.  I will be out shooting my fellow employees that afternoon…paintball that is.  During training last week, one of the guys from a different department heard that we were hitting the paintball field.  He decided to invite himself and let us know that he has a paintball gun that fires 200 rounds in 10 seconds.  I get the feeling that I am going to be covered in paint and pain.  I’m looking for ways to neutralize the paintball geek but have only come up with one plan.  Before we take the field, I’m going to throw a handful of salt in his face.  I figure that you can’t shoot what you can’t see.  I probably won’t need a Plan B…outside of hiring an attorney of course.

When I'm at work, I sound like this guy.

I had to go into work last Friday.  I know, I can’t believe it either.  One of my consultants was in town and needed to meet.  While I talk to her on the phone several times a week, we had never met face to face.  One thing that I never get right is guessing what someone will look like after talking to them on the phone.  I’m never close on any attribute (height, weight, age, etc.).  I get similar surprising reactions from the people that I meet.  They all think that I am an old curmudgeon.  Here’s a typical first meeting in person dialogue.

Consultant: “So you’re the Ozone guy.”
Me: “That’s right.  It’s good to finally meet you.”
Consultant: “Yes.  You know that I pictured you as much older…”
Me: “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Consultant: “…like an old grumpy engineer…”
Me: “Still taking it as a compliment, but struggling slightly.”
Consultant: “…like a miserable old man…”
Me: “You know, I learned a new word in my training class this week…”