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Ten Years Gone

Then as it was, then again it will be
Though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
~Led Zeppelin (Ten Years Gone)

I thought that I would start the post with some song lyrics that would be appropriate for the end of a decade.  Led Zeppelin has never been amusing however, so I immediately regret the decision.  None the less, it will help me reach my 500 word goal.

Ten years gone.  The decade with no name ends Thursday.  (No, the “Aughties” is not an acceptable name.)  Typically when we look back in time, we find amusement in our ignorance…at least that’s what I like to do.  We started this decade by preparing for a manmade disaster that never happened, Y2K.  Each news channel showed New Years celebrations beginning in Australia, and we watched with one hand on the remote control and one foot in a bomb shelter.  Will they spontaneously combust?  Will their power go out?  Will they be taken over by insects?  Nothing happened.  Asia followed suit, then Europe.  By the time New Years reached us, we were doing shots out of our gas masks.  Is there a better way to start a decade?  We were happy that we weren’t on generators.  Pathetic.

Waking up next to this woman has to be the most sobering moment in a man's life. (Photo from mugshots.com)

The end of a decade means that we are bombarded with “Best of” lists.  I went looking for interesting lists and thought that I found a few worth discussing.  Newsweek had a bunch on their website and “Unknown in ‘99 and Indespensable Now” sounded good.  Redbull came in at #8.  Everything was fine until Gardasil arrived at #5.  To me, Gardasil was unknown in ‘99 and remains unknown in ‘09.  I searched for the term on the people’s book of knowledge (wiki) and the term penile cancer arrived.  I decided that if a vaccine for that affliction was at five, I probably didn’t want to know what was at the top of the list.  I moved on to Top Celebrity Mugshots of the Decade.  Nick Nolte was no surprise at #1.  Amy Winehouse was an underrated #4.  She is a living mugshot.

I finally settled on their list of top television shows (Comedy) of the decade.  Here they are:
10. Pushing Daisies – This was a disappointing start to the list.
9. How I Met Your Mother – This was a disappointing second step.
8. Desperate Housewives – I had to check the title of the list to confirm that it was a best of.
7. The Daily Show with John Stewart – Excellent.
6. Chappelle’s Show – Season 2 is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
5. The Comeback – How can a show that lasted 13 episodes be in a best of decade list?
4. Curb Your Enthusiasm – This would be my #1.
3. The Office (US)
2. Arrested Development
1. 30 Rock – I put it right behind Curb.

Personally, I would have dumped their 5, 8, 9 and 10.  Family Guy, Scrubs, South Park and The Office (UK) would be nice replacements.  That’s my opinion anyway.  I welcome yours.

So there it is.  The last post of the year.  My next one will be Monday, January 4.  Subscribers – you should be able to simply click on the email that you receive Monday morning.  For everyone else, I will post a link on this site.

Have a safe and Happy New Year!

Mr. Peppers

It’s the week between Christmas and New Years.  For some people, Monday’s agenda includes sleeping in, eating Christmas cookies and deciding if it’s acceptable to go get the mail in a brand new Snuggie.  For the rest of us, it’s back to work because we either don’t have the vacation days or the world would burn down if we didn’t show up.

Here’s the typical line from people working this week, “I don’t mind going in…after all, there won’t be any traffic, and I’ll get a lot done since the office will be empty.”  Ladies and gentlemen, I can’t think of a better way to define the first stage of grief: Denial.  You might try to argue that it’s positive thinking…the glass is half full.  Terrible argument.  You have to go to work while others don’t.  It’s not a glass of water.  It’s a steamy pile from your neighbor’s dog, Mr. Peppers.  If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m working this week…but only for three days so it’s not that bad.  There’s that denial again.

Midrace action

Speaking of your neighbor’s dog (yes, that transition was disappointing, but let’s move forward), have you ever seen a Jack Russell Terrier race?  I saw one on TV over the weekend where they were jumping over hurdles before reaching hay bales at the end.  There was an opening in the hay bales that only one dog could fit through, which makes it interesting because the dogs move at a pretty good clip.  At first I thought it was hilarious.  Then I wondered, why don’t we end all races like that?  If the 100 meter dash ended with people trying to squeeze into a small padded opening, I would attend so many more track and field events.  To date, I’ve been to zero so the percent increase in my attendance would be through the roof.  Your results may vary.

Merry Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, my fridge was stocked with goods.
Not a creature was stirring that hadn’t slept with Tiger Woods.
The work week is over with one gift to wrap.
It’s time for some stupid jokes and a year recap.

The year started rough, I woke on a couch.
I was hungover and jobless, an incredible slouch.
I had applied for a job, but I had no luck.
I screwed up the application, I was such a stupid person.

The job started in Florida, I couldn’t believe what I saw.
His first name was Jabber and his last name was Jaw.
There were many more characters that I had to meet,
Some were muppets while others were from a nearby street.

In 2009, there were pilots in the news.
One landed in a river while others took a snooze.
They flew by the airport and received a lot of scorn.
They were looking at laptops, was it flight schedules or porn?

There was a guy named Sully who flew US Air.
He put a plane in the Hudson, on purpose he swears.
He was bigger than life, he had many a fan.
His first name is Chesley, what kind of name is that for a man?

In celebrity news, there were sad stories to tell
We lost Billy Mays and a Chihuahua, yo quiero Taco Bell.
Farrah went first and Michael Jackson had us awed,
We lost Ed McMahon, Mr. Roarke and Bea Arthur as Maude.

The parents were wacko and in search of fame.
Their youngest was Falcon, which beats Chesley as worst name.
We prayed for his safety and watched the balloon climb.
It was all a hoax and thankfully his father served time.

So I’ll wrap this up with one final thought.
I’m grateful for my job and the foul language I have been taught.
The blog will move soon, we’ll let you know when.
Merry Christmas to all, and Happy New Year in ‘10.

Festivus

Wednesday, December 23 is Festivus.  It is a holiday made famous on Seinfeld.  The episode aired on December 18, 1997.  That’s 12 years ago for those of you who are not mathematically inclined.  Doesn’t seem that long ago, but it probably would if I watched channels other than TBS and Peachtree TV.

I'm probably not going out on a limb when I predict that this guy watches a lot of syndicated TV.

Festivus includes many traditions including the Festivus pole and the Feats of Strength, where one must wrestle the head of the household to the floor.  My favorite part of Festivus is the Airing of Grievances.  The idea of standing at the dinner table and letting others know how they disappointed you throughout the year is priceless.  If you have to work on Festivus, I recommend that you have lunch with your coworkers and conduct the Airing of Grievances.  My lunch would take about three hours, and I’ve only been on board for nine months.

As much as I hate to reference wikipedia, I had to grab this Seinfeld dialogue from the site.  George Constanza’s father explains to Kramer how the holiday started:

Frank Costanza: “Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.”
Kramer: “What happened to the doll?”
Frank Costanza: “It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!”
Kramer: “That must have been some doll.”
Frank Costanza: “She was.”

Happy Festivus!

Four More Days of Idiots

In order to complete my Christmas shopping this weekend, I had to spend a great deal of time at the mall this weekend.  As of Sunday night, I have come to this conclusion: The human race is way overrated.  If I had to estimate what percentage of people are idiots, I would put it around 75%.  That percentage rises during the holidays.  That’s when people walk twice as slow and make up for it by talking twice as much.  By the end of the weekend I stopped making an effort on gifts and just headed over to Publix to pick up gift cards and whatever else I could find.  One of my nieces is getting a box of Tide.  She likes most gifts so I don’t think it will be an issue. 

I had a successful meeting with the Belligerent IT Department on Friday.  Not only will the new site have snow, but the snow will stick at the bottom of the screen.  That will give you something to do during your first day back at work after the New Year.  Normally you would check the calendar for your next holiday, see that you don’t get MLK Day off and then walk around the office with no purpose until lunch. 

I only have two commercials to berate this week.  Maybe the Christmas spirit is slowly infiltrating my bloodstream with positive energy and is teaching me to hate less.  Either that or there is a natural gas leak in my home.  

In 1984, Wendy's jumped the shark with their popular "Where's the beef" ad.

 2. Wendy’s $2.99 - Two jackasses are eating lunch together.  One guy is eating a fast food combo that is sized for a Barbie doll.  The other guy is eating a combo made for people.  The catch is that they both paid $2.99.  It is unclear why they are sitting together and more importantly why the guy eating the larger meal is so proud of himself.  When I’m eating a meal, I don’t give a damn how much you paid for yours.  I might care if you are going to finish yours…but the price is irrelevant.  

Hi. When I'm not singing off key, I enjoy being recycled and lining bird cages.

1. hhgregg carol – Question: How could someone make Best Buy’s Christmas carol ad worse than it already is?  Answer: Replace the people with a solo act performed by a rolled up piece of paper.  I wonder if that’s how the ad agency pitched it?

Insurance

If the helmet said Atlanta rather than Michigan, you would have an accurate look at the top of the Falcons depth chart at QB.

I attended my last Falcons game for the year on Sunday.  It was my last game because I sold my Bills ticket to the family next to me.  They paid full price which was nice considering that I couldn’t give it away outside the stadium.  I tried to put my Bills ticket in a homeless guy’s cup on the way into the game, but he handed it back to me.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that three years ago, our reserve quarterback was selling insurance.  Today he’s throwing one yard passes when its fourth down and three to go.  To put it in his terms, that’s like increasing your dental insurance when you need a new lung.   

If you asked me who was most likely to hit someone with a bar stool, I would have gone with Skippy.

Before I get to three commercials that I hate, I would like to provide two updates on the former sitcom Family Ties.  Within the past month, the mother on the show announced that she is a lesbian.  Also, the youngest star who played little Andy Keaton was arrested for allegedly beating his friend with a broken wooden stool.  I can’t decide what is more important in the last sentence: the stool was broken or that he beat his friend.  Either way, is there a family sitcom from the 70s and 80s that didn’t eventually end up with violence and a change in orientation?  (Answer: Nope) 

Here are three commercials that gave me indigestion last week: 

3. Progressive Chick – The woman who stars in all of the Progressive car insurance commercials should retire immediately.  Ad agencies have a tough time presenting insurance in an appealing manner for some reason.  Business idea: Stop making terrible insurance commercials.  It was more of a demand than an idea, but it’s a start. 

2. Subway Sing a Long – Jared and two former professional athletes lip sing as if they are opera singers.  They laugh hysterically at the end.  Since it is not even remotely funny, I have to assume that they ate a foot long sandwich full of hemp. 

1. Lingerie for Two –  This ad has been on for a long time.  When you rent from Enterprise, they will come pick you up.  They show a couple planning a weekend getaway.  The wife asks the husband if he prefers the red or black lingerie.  He grins with excitement and replies “both.”  His grin is unusual enough to suggest that he’d like to wear the red one.  Enterprise: We’ll pick you up so that you can dress up like Marv Albert.  (My apologies if you are unaware of the NBA announcer’s embarrassing court case where we learned that he enjoys wearing lingerie…and isn’t that what the justice system is for…discovering underwear tendencies.) 

May your week be better than mine.

Read it and Forget it

You could fill a warehouse with what I don’t know.  I’ll be the first to admit it.  There are many things that I don’t understand, and some things that I probably never will.  One of those things was the Falcons game against the Eagles on Sunday.  It was Mike Vick’s much publicized return to Atlanta.  I wasn’t surprised to see Vick supporters at the game.  I was surprised however to see how many cheered when he entered the game, and how many cheered when he eventually scored a touchdown to make it 20-0.  In other words, there were few Falcons fans.

There was a guy next to me who had two jerseys.  He wore Vick’s #7 Eagles jersey, and he carried Vick’s #7 Falcons jersey.  He held the Falcons jersey up in the air whenever the Eagles gained more than one yard.  Considering that the Falcons played little defense, the Vick fan got a lot of arm reps.  As the game dragged on, the atmosphere around me turned into an exoneration party for Vick.  Every play that didn’t go the Falcons way was regarded as a karma payment to Vick.  

People feel very strongly on both sides of what Vick did and the punishment he received.  I understand that.  What I will never understand is why some want to rub the fans’ faces in it…as if the season ticket holders created the situation and participated in sentencing him. 

The game results were disappointing, but the fans’ reactions were worse.  I had the taunting Vick fan to my right.  When we didn’t score at the end of the half, he told me we didn’t score because we didn’t have Vick, and then held the jersey up in case I forgot who he was.  On the other side of the table, we had the Anti-Vick a few rows in front who simply held up both middle fingers in disgust.  (Quick aside: Isn’t flipping a bird overrated?  Considering the every day profanity used in public and training classes, the bird has weakened in the past ten years and now simply means, “Look at me…I’m white trash, and there is a strong possibility that I enjoy bologna sandwiches.”)  The taunting Vick fan to my right said that he wouldn’t come back to another Falcons game due to what happened to Vick.  We finally agreed on something.  Happy trails…on second thought, just regular trails. 

Enough seriousness, here are my three least favorite commercials from last week. 

Here's another thing that I'll never understand. This guy puts his face on everything, and it sells. Scary.

3. Tailgate Tested. Tailgate Approved - Budweiser is doing what it does best, which is taking an annoying ad and airing it to death.  (Budweiser frogs and lizards, I’m looking in your direction.)  I’ll give them a little credit for taking a stab at the Ronco Rotisserie commercials where the crowd yells in unison, “Set it and forget it.”  Unfortunately that credit expired four months ago.

2. Man in the Well – Capital One has a series of ads where they try to entice you into adding a picture to your credit card.  The latest has to do with an old man trapped in a well.  The plot enlists the overused bit where the smart guy, in this case a dog, can’t help the dumb guy.  In fifth grade, my class broke up into groups, and we had to create our own 30 second commercial.  You should know the following: (a) my commercial for a candy bar used the smart guy/dumb guy routine; (b) my commercial sucked; (c) my commercial was better than the Capital One commercials.

1. Cheer Factory: There are a series of ads where members of the beautiful people dance and sing along to a song that is like a high school cheer.  I have always changed the channel within the first three seconds of seeing the dancing elitists, so I never knew who the ad was for.  For the accuracy of this post, I had to watch it from start to finish to see whose advertisement it was.  It was painful, and it was the Gap.  You’re welcome.

The People’s Concourse

In my last post, I made a request.  I asked Airtran to not screw up my return home.  Apparently they, along with most of America, do not subscribe to the Ozone. 

The day started off well.  I slept in a little, enjoyed a hearty breakfast on a paper plate, and attended another meeting.  I also discovered a great way to become more efficient at work.  Tell your clients, consultants and minions that your cell phone is about to die.  Therefore, they need to get to the point.  All of my phone calls were about three minutes long with lots of pertinent information and zero bullshit.  That’s how business should be done.

I arrived at LaGuardia early in hope of catching an earlier flight home.  After returning the rental and checking in, I saw that the early flight was cancelled.  That meant that I had three hours until the next flight.  Airports are far from fun.  Business idea: Build a fun airport. 

I headed to my gate, grabbed a $10 sandwich and began to people watch.  There is a term that I like to use to describe the gates used by the budget airlines such as Airtran, Jet Blue, etc.  The term is the People’s Concourse.  The hallways are narrow, the babies cry louder, and the gates are absolutely packed with people.  In Atlanta, the People’s Concourse is Concourse D with honorable mention going to Concourse C.  At LaGuardia, the People’s Concourse is Gate B. 

I was slumming in Gate B Thursday afternoon when a business traveler came in and sat about five feet away from me.  He decided that it was the time and place to change his socks and shoes.  So I was watching Mister Rogers do his routine, and I had to ask myself: Was I more disgusted that I paid $10 for a shit sandwich or that I had to look at this guy’s feet while I ate the sandwich?  It was the latter by a landslide.

The hits kept coming as my flight became delayed indefinitely, and the gate was packed full of wackos.  My ticket said that I was in Zone 7.  That meant that whenever I boarded the plane, the chances of getting space in the overhead bin was exactly zero.  I needed to do something to change my luck.  I considered changing my socks and underwear in plain sight but opted against it after an extensive pros and cons list.

We eventually got out of New York but not before checking my carry-on.  When the drink cart came around, the flight attendants were trying extra hard to be funny.  The jokes were awful and forced me to change my order from Coke Zero to Gin and Tonic.  True story time: There were at least four people within my area that ordered hot tea.  The flight attendants were yammering back and forth about tea bags until one of them made a dumb joke about the bags under her eyes.  That, my friends, is the definition of someone who couldn’t hit water if she fell out of a boat.

Tiger Woods Y’all

Another sign of the Christmas season is the opening of the college football coach’s carousel.  Notre Dame showed Charlie Weis the door earlier today.  The school has yet to replace Lou Holtz, and in all honesty, they should just bring him back.  Few people can understand what he says, but most sentences mention the words “Notre Dame” and “national championship.”  He just declared it again last weekend when he said that the golden domers would win it all in a couple years whether they kept their coach or got a new one.  Good point…coaches don’t win championships, Catholicism does.

If Bowden returned in 2010, the school would require him to stand next to his statue, similar to the gentleman pictured above, during all games.

Some sources say that Bobby Bowden has announced his retirement as Florida State’s head coach.  Bobby certainly deserved a better end than he received.  The school gave him two choices: return in 2010 as an ambassador to the program with little input or retire after this year’s bowl game, which is projected to be the Emerald Bowl or the Meineke Car Care bowl.  In other words, would you like a punch in the stomach and a kick in the groin or a kick in the groin and a punch in the stomach?

Don’t know if you heard, but Tiger Woods had a one car accident last week.  It seems that he backed out of his driveway and eventually hit a fire hydrant and a tree.  Thanks to the National Enquirer (which is like Wikipedia in print form), the rumors are swirling.  Unfortunately no one is talking.  The funny part is that the initial police report said that alcohol was not a factor.  With alleged stories of “party girls” and a golf club wielding wife, he would have been better off if he said got drunk and decided to get some Taco Bell.

The news coverage is interesting.  After stating the facts about the accident, each article lists his career accomplishments including how many majors that he has won.  Why would they do that?  Did they think we would confuse him with the Tiger Woods who works at Wal-Mart?  Maybe news coverage should always include career accomplishments:

Breaking News: The Ozone Guy had a one car accident in the Dirty.  The police report lists the cause of accident as “Cheetos.”  He apparently dropped one, took his eyes off the road to retrieve it and slammed into a poorly painted mailbox pavilion.  The Ozone Guy has held six jobs and has been terminated twice.  His alma mater’s run defense is porous at best.  He currently works as a government employee and has won zero majors.